Thanksgiving has arrived and meaningless familial small talk is here. We know you’re looking for a way out. Here’s our solution: the NFL.
The turkey day slate features three games with all six teams entering on losing streaks. Perfect! While these games are nowhere near Super Bowl previews, they, like your old Grandpa Charlie, deserve some attention.
There are some tasty gambling morsels to enjoy, so pour yourself a cocktail, uncoil your napkin and let’s dive into the leagues’ Thanksgiving Day Spread.
Hors d'Oeuvres - Chicago Bears (-3) @ Detroit Lions (+3)
Bears — The charcuterie board after your Uncle Paul had his fill
- A once promising spread of Khalil Mack is now a barren field of soggy salami
- Andy Dalton has thrown for more than 300 yards just once since 2020
- When asked about the five game losing streak Matt Nagy claimed “It’s no one’s fault, other than everybody’s”
Lions — The bowl of mixed nuts sitting on the table by the bathroom
- Some winners in there, like the salted full cashew of D’Andre Swift, who last week became the first Lions RB to have back to back 100 yard games since 2004
- The team is 1-13-1 since last Thanksgiving
- Tim Boyle’s QB rating against the Browns last week was 6.7… that’s out of 100
Andy Dalton vs. Tim Boyle in a matchup between two teams with a combined record of 3-16-1 It’s the perfect game to serve a turkey dinner during and not watch a second of. Sadly it kicks off at 9:30 AM PT, so you’re likely deciding between this titanic clash or hearing about your cousin Amanda’s new cat. Take the under (41.5) and tell her you’d love to hear more about Neil Catrick Harris.
Dinner - Las Vegas Raiders (+7.5) @ Dallas Cowboys (-7.5)
Raiders — Your Grandmothers’ secret family recipe stuffing
- No one knows what to expect from this dish. Each forkful could either beat the Ravens or lose to the Giants. Dealer’s choice
- The team is winless since October and scoring an average of 14.3 points ☹️
- Even the always optimistic Derek Carr is hashtag over it, claiming ‘20 years of this crap is enough’
Cowboys — A well-cooked turkey, except you’ve had better
- The team is sitting atop the division at 7-3, scoring the third-most points per game in the NFL. A quality main course
- Mike McCarthy, Super Bowl champion, is a head coach who definitely knows how to efficiently manage the game clock in crunch time
- Dallas is 31-21-1 on Thanksgiving, but they haven’t won since 2018
Here’s a juicy matchup between two teams with hopes of playing in January. The Cowboys have lost two of three and will be missing their top two wideouts in Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb. Sitting at 5-5, the Raiders need this game to stay in the AFC playoff picture. Plug your nose with mashed potatoes and take LVR +7.5.
Dessert — Buffalo Bills (-6.5) @ New Orleans Saints (+6.5)
Bills — Cold apple pie
- The team is 1-3 against teams with a winning record this season
- After facing the 32nd easiest opening schedule, they’ll finish with the 11th hardest
- Should this apple pie heat up by January though… watch out
Saints — Room temperature cheesecake
- The team has a top-5 defense matched with an offensive guru calling the plays
- But a bottom-5 wide receiver core with a career backup running the plays
- You are taking your life into your own hands when picking this team
Not long ago, the Bills were favorites to represent the AFC in Super Bowl LVI. Now they’re barely favored to win the AFC East. The Saints improved to 5-2 on the season by triumphantly defeating the defending champion Bradys to end October. Then they lost to Matt Ryan, Ryan Tannehill and Jalen Hurts. The NFL is drunk. The Saints season ends here with a loss and the Bills offense needs to get its groove back. Seems like it’s a kitchen sink game for both teams. Over 45.5.
Turkey Day Parlay
The Turkey Day Parlay for this newsletter (DET/CHI Un 41.5 | LVR +7.5 | BUF/NO Ov 45.5) comes out to +580 ($100 → $580).