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An interview with the door Diana Taurasi (allegedly) broke

Live from the Sky championship parade, she says her piece.

An interview with the door Diana Taurasi allegedly broke

The following is a transcript of the passionate and heartfelt speech given by the Visiting Team’s Locker Room Door at the Chicago Sky’s Victory Parade.

“It is a privilege and an honor to stand before you all, unhinged and unlocked, as a champion. My mouth was ajar watching this team all season long, knowing they had what it takes to blow the doors off of the competition. To be even a small part of it, well, it’s more than I can handle.

Knowing the team had championship aspirations at the beginning of this season, I called an old friend seeking wisdom. A veteran of over 25 years and a three-time champion himself, Mr. United Center’s Visiting Team Locker Room Door. He had some kind words for me and offered me a plank of advice I will never forget. He said, ‘When one door closes, another one opens and you need to stay ready for your moment, come push or come pull.’

When Diana Taurasi swung me open with the force of a small rhinoceros I knew my time had come. She was clearly agitated, having just been bested on the court by my teammates, and the opportunity to strike was there. So I hit her in the ass on the way out. I am not proud of my actions but I believe that the ends do justify the means.

Taurasi then looked at me with the fire of a thousand suns. When she reared back I knew it was going to hurt, but I did not expect it to leave me in the state of disrepair that you see today. My combination Maple, Oak and Pine exterior was shattered on impact. I have no feeling left in my handle. And that will likely be the last day of my career as a Visiting Team Locker Room Door.

(there was a slight pause as the Door collected herself)

But through all that, I am a champion – A champion! I grew up down the street from Candace and she was the first to send me an IG story of a poem that she did not write herself wishing me well. Chance the Rapper has agreed to let me join his Security Team once my splinters heal. And although it currently hurts to laugh, I can not stop myself from smiling. For I am a champion. Thank you.”

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