Are you interested in watching tonight’s Home Run Derby? Have you paid zero attention to the 2022 MLB season? Are you fully caught up on Netflix’s blockbuster series Stranger Things? Well this is the article for you. 

Pete Alonso, NY Mets – Eleven
Odds to win +185 (Bet $100 to win $185)

The Mets slugger has won the past two Home Run Derbys and now hopes to join the iconic Ken Griffey Jr. as the only player to ever win three. He also has a secret derby weapon at his disposal, none other than Dave Jauss. The Nats senior advisor will be pitching once again to polar bear Pete, instead of, you know, this guy… 

Juan Soto, Washington Nationals – Billy
Odds to win +500 (Bet $100 to win $500)

The best Nats prospect since some dude with crazy hair just turned down a contract extension worth FOUR HUNDRED AND FORTY MILLION DOLLARS. The best part about this hilarious rejection was those in the baseball world didn’t bat an eye. The lovable bad boy has made it known he is not long for the District, so love him while he’s here. 

Kyle Schwarber, Philadelphia Phillies – Hopper
Odds to win +350 (Bet $100 to win $350)

Lovable and strong like a bull, that’s Kyle Schwarber. Remember the first time we met Hopper, all the way back in 2016, hungover on his couch, his place littered with empty cans and old pizza boxes. That’s EXACTLY how I imagine Schwarbs wakes up when he’s vacationing during the offseason.  

Julio Rodriguez, Seattle Mariners – Eddie
Odds to win +750 (Bet $100 to win $750)

The young rookie has been fantastic in his first full MLB season, but like the new, young, dynamic, feisty, emotive, ferocious, heart-warming, spectacular leader of the Hellfire Club Eddie Munson (SPOILER ALERT), Julio is likely not long for this derby world… 

Corey Seager, Texas Rangers – Jonathan
Odds to win +1000 (Bet $100 to win $1,000)

Not much to say here about Seager. Like the elder Byers, he used to be fun and someone to root for but now he’s just there. Like, he was fun in Hawkins (LA) but is now pretty boring in Cali (Texas). Root for him if you want I guess. Ronald

Acuna Jr., Atlanta Braves – Vecna
Odds to win +850 (Bet $100 to win $850)

It should be noted that we don’t believe Ronald Acuna Jr. is the physical embodiment of all things evil, like Vecna. He just drew the last straw and had to face our Eleven in the opening round. Whoever wins their battle becomes the immediate favorite to take over the world, I mean, win the home run derby. 

Jose Ramirez, Cleveland Guardians – Dustin
Odds to win +1600 (Bet $100 to win $1,600)

The diminutive stature of both Dustin and Jose throws competitors off. Easy to underestimate but impossible to overlook, Dustin has saved Hawkins, Indiana on countless occasions and Ramirez absolutely HAMMERS the ball. Ramirez could be the answer to Alonso’s never-ending story. 

Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals – Papa
Odds to win +2400 (Bet $100 to win $2,400)

Retiring after this season, papa deserves to be celebrated. Flat out, this comparison is simply based on the fact that both the character and player are old as dirt. Take a victory lap Albert, you deserve it. Unlock Alonso’s electric collar and set him free.

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