The NBA Slam Dunk contest has jumped the shark. Long gone are the days of MJ double-clutching from the free throw line, Vince Carter pulling off the honey-dip and Dominique’s powerful windmill. What can be done to bring this overly commercialized and surprisingly boring event back to prominence?
Using my background as a *self-proclaimed* theatrical genius, I hereby declare myself the Dunk Doctor, ready to produce a show-stopping slam for each contestant, regardless of how little you or I know about them.
Jalen Green, Houston Rockets
Odds: +200 (bet $100 → win $200)
The No. 2 pick should be a well-known figure, but because Green plays for the moribund Rockets, he’s uh, not. The Dunk Dr. is gonna play into that theme.
As his name is announced, hundreds of “Jalen Greens” dribble onto the court. Short, tall, muscular, slender, all shapes and sizes, each wearing the same red Rockets jersey. The crowd of NBA casuals stirs, ‘which one is Jalen?’
The real Jalen Green appears out of the imposter crowd and straddles a rocket that emerges from center court, pointed towards the final destination by none other than Johnny Knoxville, who is still promoting the release of Jackass 4. Smoke billows as the rocket launches toward the basket. As it careens into the backboard, Green leaps off the molten metal and slams the basketball through the hoop.
Obi Toppin, New York Knicks
Odds: +205 (bet $100 → win $205)
Taking a page out of the NFL halftime show’s playbook, Toppin calls on all the great musical acts from New York City to perform a top hits medley while Spike Lee films.
Diddy starts us off with an orchestral version of Bad Boy for Life. Wu Tang Clan is there in full performing C.R.E.A.M. Nas comes out of a stack of cardboard boxes to rap N.Y. State of Mind. The great Lauren Hill croons the riff of Killin’ Me Softly. 50 Cent also shows up because why not?
All the while, Toppin is dancing and occasionally takes the microphone like it’s late-night karaoke. Finally, a hologram of Notorious B.I.G. comes out of the tunnel and takes Toppin’s hand as Just the Two of Us plays. Not a dry eye in the arena as just the two of them dunk together.
Cole Anthony, Orlando Magic
Odds: +300 (bet $100 → win $300)
Cole Anthony is 6’2 on a good day. How is he able to dunk a basketball enthusiastically? With a little bit of magic, of course.
Anthony appears in a three-piece suit and top hat, from which he pulls out a bunny-shaped basketball. Famous magicians surround him. David Copperfield is submerged underwater in a straightjacket. Penn and Teller are doing card tricks with LeBron James. Criss Angel is sawing Spud Webb in half. But our eyes rest on the man ready to dunk the bunny-ball.
In one swift motion, Anthony throws down a smoke bomb and as it dissipates, he is nowhere to be seen. There’s a flash, a bang, a boom and the crowd cheers as he magically reappears in the rafters high above the rim. Spectacularly, he levitates down, gracefully placing the bunny-ball through the hoop.
Juan Toscano-Anderson, Golden State Warriors
Odds: +340 (bet $100 → win $340)
This one is simple. JTA shows the camera that he has Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green all on speed dial. Then he dunks a basketball. He may not win this contest, but he is certainly winning in life.