The Celebrity All-Star Game returns on Friday. The word celebrity here is being used quite broadly, of course, as — aside from the former/current athletes and the incredible Janelle Monáe — it's a list of people who wouldn't make the cut for Big Brother 47.

That lineup stinks, and sadly it has stunk for quite some time. For instance, last year's Celebrity Game MVP, which is a totally real award that some unknown committee gives out, was Pelaton instructor Alex Toussaint. While Pelaton may control the current zeitgeist of popular workout culture, when the 2023 equivalent of Billy Blanks is your go-to celeb then you are in trouble.

The NBA is a worldwide brand and a billion-dollar corporation, surely there are some tricks to pull in order to make this Celebrity All Star game pop!

Here lie those tricks

Hire Simon Cowell & the NBA TNT crew

Coming to CBS this fall, Do You Want To Be A NBA All Star?

Let Simon Cowell start a worldwide search for the next Alex Toussaint. Film competitors as they audition in front of a panel of judges, competing with each other to make it to the Celebrity All Star game. Who are the judges you ask? Well its the crew from NBA on TNT of course. Imagine how many Shaqtin' A Fool segments one could get from this eight-week long contest deemed American Idol meets basketball.

Let America fall in love with some winners and boom you've got some skin in the game.

Partner with Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise will do anything, I repeat anything to promote the next Summer blockbuster he's working on. Agree to let him pull whatever zany act he wants to pull during halftime before dropping a new trailer for Mission Impossible: The Impossiblest. Let's see Tom parachute in from the catwalk and dunk a basketball while flames shoot out of his buttocks. That will get the crowd HYPED.

Superstar kids

As any actor will tell you, kids and animals always steal the scene. So whilst I fear for the health of adding numerous Air Buds to the Celebrity All Star game, we will have to settle on children.

If you open up any social media app you are likely to come upon the next Steph Curry who is going viral for breaking the ankles of some kid whose Mom made him sign up for after-school basketball lessons. Get the viral kids, throw 'em on the court and don't call any travel violations. Ratings. Bonanza.

This idea works doubly if the children are nepo babies.

Screw the indoor arena

Time to go to the park. Pothole-ridden, uneven blacktops with bent rims.

Many a day was had destroying our middle-school ankle ligaments on these forgotten outdoor getaways. And through the bloody elbows, the dirty basketballs and the scrapped knees we laughed and laughed. Often switching which hoop to shoot at because the sun was glaring directly into our retinas. It made us strong.

Put these celebs out there and see what happens. Chain nets and all.

Physical 100: Celebrity Basketball Edition

If you're not watching Netflix's Physical 100 you are MISSING OUT. To sum it up, imagine if you took Squid Game and made it real (without the death). Yes it's that simple.

Now take 100 celebrities. Even the random folks Ruffles ruffled together for this year's contest, and instead of a traditional basketball game with some random, hard to follow double-time rules, pit them in a single elimination contest where they play each other in a one-on-one game, first to three.

No rules, no fouls, no limits.

I'd like to see Alex Toussaint peddle his way out of this one...