It’s no secret to anybody with eyeballs and a vague interest in basketball and football that the current setup for all-star games is a joke.
There’s a logical reason for this: We don’t need to have all-star games anymore.
These events are a relic of a past time when there weren’t wall-to-wall highlights available for every single player at all times. All-Star games were about showcasing players you otherwise wouldn’t watch. But today, for the most part, they’re closer to sponsored content—displaying the same lack of soul and general give-a-f*** that defines the entire genre.
But there is a logical fix to this all-star game problem: Combine them.
I’m talking about a one-weekend event (ideally in Las Vegas so athletes actually want to show up) that will feature the best players in the NFL and the NBA competing against one another in a variety of events.
I would propose a best-of-four format. The winning team would be paid $100 million.
Where would that money come from? Not my problem — ask Pepsi.
With all that being said, I envision the games progressing as such.
Flag Football
5-on-5 basketball
Home Run Derby
Paintball
Longest drive competitive
Hot Dog Eating
Trivial Pursuit
The first two events would obviously be bloodbaths, but I think something that gets lost in all-star games is that you don’t show off greatness by having it compete against greatness; you show it off by having it compete against average. Plus, the general trope is that NBA players wish they were NFL players and vice-versa. Let’s see who can actually ball.
Then it gets interesting.
Home Run Derby would probably lean NFL since there’s less of an international presence and more of the guys probably grew up playing baseball. That being said, Klay Thompson comes from a baseball family and can probably rake.
Logically, none of these guys would probably be willing to play paintball, but this is my fake thing so I’m going to include it for the content.
A longest-drive competitive would be a coinflip for either league, but I’ll lean NBA because Steph had that minigolf show (is that still on TV??).
If we get to game six, a high-stakes hot dog-eating competition would be a perfect even playing field. I’d love to see Jokic and Josh Allen pounding hot dogs for $100 million on the line, who says no?
Finally, if it comes down to a seventh game, I say we go full-mental and make the players compete in a very high-stakes game of Trivial Pursuit. Would it be humiliating? Probably. But so is the Pro Bowl.
In conclusion, this is how the NFL and NBA can very easily fix their all-star games. If both leagues would write me a check for $100 million dollars, they are welcome to use this setup with my full approval. Thank you for your time.
If you are (one of the few?) planning on tuning in for the NFL Pro Bowl Games, Kate Magdziuk broke down all you need to know to prepare yourself for the action.
