At this point, it’s all high time that we just accept that Tom Brady is in fact a vampiric entity from mystical lore with powers that far exceed those of mere mortals.
Tom Brady is Dracula, and that’s just how it is. If this is a premise you just can’t get on board with, you can just exit this article right now. It’s a fact that won’t be litigated here.
For all you normal people who stuck around, I’ve been thinking about this, and while Dracula was immortal, he did have certain weaknesses. By all accounts, there is nothing on this planet that will stop Tom Brady from playing football. His playing football is a fact as accepted as gravity itself.
But what if, through some means, he could be defeated and retire from football forever? It’s a farfetched notion, but by my calculation, these approaches give us our best shot:
Give him one Starburst
Tom Brady’s body is notably a delicate temple. While Dracula feasts on blood, Brady has a famously strict and rigid diet that excludes essentially anything delicious. To figure out what Tom Brady eats, just imagine something you would enjoy eating—you got one?—okay, you cannot eat that thing ever. That’s basically the diet. If through some form of sabotage TB12 was ever slipped a pink Starburst, there’s no telling how his digestive system would cope.
A strong internal pass rush
You don’t play in the NFL for an eternity by taking sacks. Tom Brady knows this better than anyone. Despite possessing no speed, Brady’s managed to mostly avoid hits throughout his career via his pocket presence and possible Dracula-based supernatural abilities. But historically, Brady has struggled against teams with a dominant internal pass rush. This was highlighted particularly this season when the Bucs got dismantled by the 49ers and the Panthers. Of course, there is always the risk of him transforming into a bat to avoid a sack, but it’s hard to believe that would hold up on replay.
Offering an equity stake in a shady crypto exchange
Tom Brady is a big crypto guy. It’s a whole thing. It's been rumored he lost a ton of money when the fraudulent crypto exchange FTX collapsed, and we’re sure the experience sullied him on the Web3 revolution as it currently sits. But maaaaaybe, Tom just can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet Dogecoin? If another shady opportunity presents itself, he could very well hang it up to become a full-time crypto bro, as he was always meant to be.
He gets really into pickleball
Oddly, this is perhaps Brady’s greatest weakness. Frankly, all of the olds are into pickleball these days. For those unfamiliar with the sport, imagine tennis but minus 95% of the athleticism required. The sport is exploding in popularity with more than 36 million players nationwide, including you guessed it: Tom Brady.
TB12 actually agreed to partner with Major League Pickleball earlier this year. While the desire to win another Super Bowl trophy remains strong, we’re not sure he can avoid the allure of the small court. The good news is he’ll be able to play until he’s 389.
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