On Sunday, January 1, 2023, the year of our Lord, the Washington Commanders introduced the world to their new mascot, Tuddy:

The reveal, like most major stories relating to Washington’s football franchise in recent history, was met mostly with scorn and widespread disappointment

To top it off , Tuddy is already facing a potential lawsuit from the team’s offensive line nicknamed “The Hogs” which inspired the mascot. Beyond all that, the reveal of a new mascot in Week 17—before a game where the Commanders were eliminated from playoff contention—is just bizarre. Why the rush? Maybe they could have workshopped this bad idea just a little longer. If they had, maybe they would have come up with these other potential mascots.

Railey the Railing

So far the only thing Washington related that’s come close to stopping Jalen Hurts since he entered the league was the cheap railing at FedEx field. Why not embrace that energy by memorializing it with an animated railing that should have been replaced decades ago!

Bureaucracy the Sloth 

What better way to honor our nation's capital than a slow-moving, paper-pushing sloth named after the crippling bureaucracy that defines most government systems. Sloth-like also defines the franchise's reaction to doing the right thing in more or less every scenario, so a really great fit here.


You see, it’s a lawyer who’s also an alligator. He’ll wear a pinstripe suit, charge by the hour, not really do that much but insist he’s necessary—get it? Because Dan Snyder needs to hire a bunch of lawyers? It's subtle.

Barry the Barren Desert

Barry is a much more fitting mascot for Washington than Tuddy because he would represent the barren desert that is Washington’s credibility and lack of success under the ownership of Dan Snyder. Each season, until Snyder is removed, Barry can just grow bigger and bigger. 

Former Vice President Al Gore

Not like someone in an Al Gore mascot suit, I mean, they should literally just hire former vice president Al Gore to be the mascot. Sure, he’s a little out of the public eye, but what kid wouldn't want to take a picture with Al Gore? What a dream. Just have Al Gore go out there, and do the YMCA. It'll be great. Who says no? You got a better mascot than Al Gore? Well then, let me know. Be my guest!

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