Aaron Rodgers, fresh off his darkness retreat, is ready to be weird in public once again—and possibly for your NFL team!

Although it’s rumored he might once again return to Green Bay, what would an NFL off-season be without an Aaron Rodgers will they/won’t they narrative? There are numerous teams that would be happy to welcome Rodgers (probably?) but very few where the self-confessed conspiracy theorist and objective weirdo can truly flourish on a personality level. Yes, his antics might seem slightly off-putting now, but in the right environment, I’m confident he could be so much worse.

It should be noted that most of these teams do not currently have quarterback vacancies. The majority are laughably set at the position in fact. But this isn’t a list of the most likely destinations for Aaron Rodgers. This is something much dumber than that. 

Tampa Bay Buccanneers 

Bizarre Persona He Could Adopt: Florida Man

We’ll put the Bucs first because they’re honestly the only team on the list really in need of a quarterback. A move to Tampa Bay would present Aaron Rodgers with the opportunity to morph into a full-fledged Florida man. It doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, you give the guy some jorts, a couple of calf tattoos, some bath salts—boom, done. 

Los Angeles Chargers

Bizarre Persona He Could Adopt: Guy Into Crystals

This seems like the smallest leap imaginable, right? In fact, a cursory search uncovered a video of a younger, less bearded Aaron Rodgers discovering a cluster of crystals like the opening scene Uncut Gems. Honestly, if I found out Rodgers played every game with a crystal on his person in some capacity, I would absolutely buy it. He’s basically already a guy into crystals, just go public with it already.

Arizona Cardinals

Bizarre Persona He Could Adopt: High-End Sedona Vision Quest Dude

A darkness retreat is a small step from a sweat lodge, which is a small step from a vision quest — all of which seem like or are confirmed things Aaron Rodgers is very into. This would be a more exaggerated iteration of Into Crystals Aaron Rodgers, in which he spends his off days dangerously dehydrating himself but in a luxurious way. It gives me no great pleasure to report that this iteration of Aaron has a ponytail beard

Miami Dolphins

Bizarre Persona He Could Adopt: Crypto Bro

Yes, it’s another Florida team, but it’s a big state filled with all sorts of genres of strange people. Aaron wouldn’t be a Florida Man in Miami. (Okay, he might be. Predictions are generally futile with this guy.) But only in Miami do I think he could truly become a fully realized crypto web3 AI future mambo jumbo evangelist. He’s already converting part of his salary into Bitcoin. All he’d really need to do is shave, tie up his hair in a bun, then throw in an untrustworthy/flashy blazer and he’s basically good to go.

Seattle Seahawks

Bizarre Persona He Could Adopt: Cult Leader

This is very much the Final Boss version of Aaron Rodgers. A career's worth of weird quirks and bizarre hazing rituals for backups culminates in him moving to the PNW—the cult capital of America according to Netflix documentaries—and starting a weird religion of his own. It almost makes too much sense, to the extent it feels like an eventuality more than a prediction. And I think I speak for many when I say that I couldn’t be more here for the content.