The Colts did a big goof on Monday when they fired head coach Frank Reich and replaced him with Jeff Saturday, a former player who was then serving as an NFL analyst and hasn’t coached in any league aside from high school in 2020. His team went 3-7.

In the post-Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck years, the Colts have mostly been a dumpster fire and there’s one person to blame.

That’s right — it's Chris Pratt. Stay with me here.

Here are the facts.

  1. Chris Pratt portrayed Andy Dwyer on “Parks and Rec” from 2009-2015

  2. Andy Dwyer was canonically a huge Indianapolis Colts Fan

  3. On January 17th, 2013, “Parks and Rec” aired an episode where the characters met the real life Colts. That’s when things started to go wrong

  4. Since that episode aired, the Colts have finished five seasons at or below .500, with zero Super Bowl appearances. A terrifying trend of Pratt ruining movies and the Colts NFL franchise began soon after.

  5. In 2017, a short film called Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - The Trailer Rescue (in which Chris Pratt attempts to save the trailer for the upcoming Jurassic World movie) was released

  6. This same year, the Colts went 4-12 — their worst season in years.

  7. Since then, they’ve had mostly winning seasons, except in 2019 when they went 7-9. 

  8. What was Chris Pratt doing that year? Oh, nothing special….except releasing ANOTHER JURASSIC WORLD SHORT

  9. In 2022, the Super Mario Bros. movie trailer dropped, and was an absolute dumpster fire — mainly because everyone hates Chris Pratt’s decision to not change his voice even a little bit to sound like Mario.

  10. After the release of the trailer, the Colts went 2-3, and on November 7th, they fired their coach, Frank Reich, and replaced him with Jeff Saturday, a former player-turned-TV talking head with no professional coaching experience.

The Super Mario movie will release in 2023, and it is my belief that the Colts will not have another winning season unless Chris Pratt is replaced as the primary voice actor. 

In this essay I will,,,

(Featured Photo by Joe Scarnici/Getty Images)

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