nfl

If NFL players were fast-food restaurants


Published: 11/22/22
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Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts compared each of his star wideouts to a different kind of car this week. It was a fun concept, but I don't know much about cars. I fill them with gas. They drive. Fast food, though? I get fast food.

Here are the (heart) burning answers to the question you've been dying for us to answer — if NFL quarterbacks were fast food restaurants, which ones would they be?

Cordarrelle Patterson is Chipotle.

The beauty of Patterson is that his playbook is fully customizable! Need him to run? Gotcha. Play receiver? Yep, he's got that too! Return a kickoff? Oh, he's literally the best in history at doing that. He's everything you need in one 6'2" 220-pound frame.

Patrick Mahomes is Wendy's.

Fresh. Never frozen. They deliver square hamburgers because they don't cut corners. Wendy's is an absolute classic (who hasn't dipped their fries in a Frosty? it's iconic). Yet somehow, they find new ways to give us the same goodness, whether it's a twist on breakfast (voting for the Maple Bacon croissant for president in 2024, honestly), a brand new flavor Frosty, or a no-look pass that defies physics.

Jamaal Williams is Taco Bell.

We know the public perception. Taco Bell is your last resort. It's drunk food. It'll leave you with a trip to the toilet bowl.

But I'm here to say that Taco Bell is super underrated, and so is Jamaal Williams. This man might actually lead the NFL in rushing touchdowns this season and it still feels like we're not taking him seriously. Put some respect on his name, and on Taco Bell's name while you're at it.

Russell Wilson is Subway.

Nobody really wants him. Nobody really wants Subway either, at least nowadays. We used to love Subway. Hell yeah, an entire footlong for $5? Sign me up. Russell Wilson as a Seahawk was kinda like the old-school Subway. But now, we've seen been treated to the Josh Allens and Patrick Mahomes-es of the world. How could we ever go back?

Aaron Rodgers is Jack in the Box.

People will go back to Jack in the Box over and over. Do we like it? Not really. But you know what you're going to get on any given trip. It's a weird menu. Rodgers is a weird guy.

Bonus points to anyone that sends a photoshopped image of Aaron Rodgers as the Jack in the Box clown to us over on Twitter.