Brady’s Leaked Retirement Plan

When Tom Brady was drafted, no fireworks were set off, no streamers dropped from the ceiling, nary a front page article to be seen. Fast-forward 22 years and the sporting world came to a complete halt when he announced his retirement. Brady’s a public figure at this point, a hero, a legend, having played in the NFL for 48.9% of his life. Now his future is wide open, the world his oyster, and the question on everyone’s mind is, what’s next?

I have several sources* close to Tom’s camp. Using their knowledge of his upcoming plans for life after football, I have become privy** to a possible roadmap for Brady’s next 48.9%. His future might surprise you***. 

(*Editor’s note: he does not)

(**Editor’s note: there is no privy)

(***Editor’s note: this is a work of fiction)

Tom Brady - A New Frontier

  • Teams with his dietician Alex Guerrero to expand the TB12 method

  • With the aid of Michelle Obama , implements the TB12 diet into public schools across America

  • Child obesity rates plummet and Brady is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize by Greta Thunburg

  • Farmers struggle to keep up with the continuous and uproarious demand. Avocado prices surge

  • Tom, having just had the time to finally get around to watching The Big Short, decides to short the Avocado market

  • Hass Avocado buys Brady out and his net worth skyrockets

  • Now with even more time for leisure, he catches all 151 Pokemon before safely releasing them back into their natural habitats

  • Receives a second Nobel Peace Prize, this time by Jane Goodall

  • Stumbles onto the cure for cancer as he wanders into a laboratory whilst searching for a bathroom

  • A third Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Brady by the reanimated corpse of Jonas Salk

  • It is here that he realizes there is nothing more on this Earth that he can accomplish, so he focuses on his next venture, space

  • In a rocket built by X Æ A-Xii, Brady becomes the first man to set foot on Mars

  • The Lizard People make contact and Brady is selected to represent the human race in a one-on-one battle for supremacy in a game of connect-four

  • After being down to the connect-four equivalent of a 28-3 hole, Brady stages a miraculous comeback against Lord Sikopou, the Lizard People’s champion

  • Tom Brady is deemed Master Of The Universe

  • In his final years, he agrees to have a biopic of his life made by Adam McKay

We all live happily ever after, tucked away in our soft beds with our covers just under our chins, where nothing can harm us and no bad things exist in the world. Just a happy, beautiful, fun, simple, uplifting, impossible-to-imagine place that exists solely and directly due to the unstoppable TOM BRADY.

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